One of the women I worked with last night, looked at me, and said. “You aren’t happy anymore.”
It was kind of an odd thing to say to me as I wasn’t doing anything that even suggested that I was unhappy. I was just cleaning off my water bottle, and putting my name on the lid so that no one would steal it.
It has been a rough year. Ever since dad has died, I haven’t quite been myself at all. I went through that horrible depressed staged where I didn’t really want to talk to anyone. I went through a stage where I was bossy and disrespectful to those that I actually respect. Right now, I’m kind of in a constant state of worry.
This is the time of year bad stuff tends to happen to my family. It always happens right after my birthday, so it kind of spoils things. Considering I have this huge trip coming up in August, I just don’t want anything spoiling that. I’ve worked too hard to earn the vacation time for this trip at work, and I’m working hard on losing weight for this trip. I think, in a way, it makes sense for me to be a bit jumpy during this time a year considering the year I had last year.
I guess you could say I am a little unhappy. I just found out that I can’t apply to school because they aren’t accepting applications for any of the quarters right now (I should it did it a long time ago, so I’m kind of mad at myself for that one). My birthday is coming up in 13 days, and it is my first birthday without my dad around to give me a call to wish me a happy birthday. That is kind of depressing. It is also coming up on the year mark of when dad passed away, so yeah I’m not exactly rainbows and kittens right now.
Despite that weird comment about being unhappy, I also received a couple of compliments from another co-worker. She told me that I carry myself well, that I’m a really strong woman, and that one day I would make a good wife and mom. I’m not sure about that last part, but I told her thank you anyway.
I love my family, but I want to strangle a lot of them most of the time.
Politically wise, I don’t agree with my family one little bit. I have always kind f different with my views than my family. They are extremely conservative for the most part, and I kind of feel like I’m being bullied when a political conversation comes up because it feels like they are trying to get me all worked up. Most of the time, I tell them that I’m not going to talk politics with them, but there are always those certain few that keep pushing.
For example, my cousin Tina (oh she really annoys the crap out of me), decided to push my buttons right after my dad died. I was at my most vulnerable at that point, and pretty much anything was going to set me off. My family, on top of being uber conservative, are also uber Catholic, which meant that they were all up in arms about the Catholic church having to provide birth control to their employees. I couldn’t help but shake my head at this point. Tina kept bringing it up with me, and I finally snapped. I told her that the Catholic church is technically a business, and not all of the employees of that business are Catholic, therefore they are entitled to a health care that provides birth control (as of right now health care does not cover birth control). She wasn’t going to have it though, and then she handed me a pamphlet as if that was going to change my mind on the matter. I’m sorry, but it is okay for the Catholic Church to supply men with Viagra (as it is approved by health care), but it isn’t okay for the Catholic Church to supply women with birth control because it goes against their religion despite the fact that birth control has other benefits BESIDES preventing pregnancy.
I mean, was it really important to get me all worked up over something stupid right after my dad died? I suppose, to Tina it was. It was bad enough she kept saying to me, “Oh, he was like a father to me,?” Hey, guess what? HE WAS MY FATHER!
Today, it wasn’t my cousin Tina that got me a little worked up. It happened to be my cousin Eric. A friend of mine was complaining about gas prices, but he wasn’t exactly placing blame on anyone. Well, Eric jumps in there, and being the uber hypocrite conservative that he is, blamed Obama. Once again, I shook my head at the stupidity, and I finally said something. I said, “You can place blame on whoever you want, your next door neighbor even, but it doesn’t change anything.” That is when he jumps in and says that I’m a hippie that loves Obama. I hate that my family thinks that just because I have the opposite views than they do that I voted for Obama. I didn’t vote for the guy, and I never have. He is just another politician, and things aren’t going to change until we get someone truly different in the office. I voted for Jill Stein, a doctor, not another politician.
Either way, the point of what I said wasn’t actually to be called an Obama lover. It was to put out that placing the blame on someone is pretty useless. All people are doing are blaming other people rather than actually doing something about it. If they are really concerned about high gas prices, then do something about it instead of blaming someone. It isn’t that hard to understand.
I suppose another thing that bothers me about this split between my family and I (other than the bullying) is that I feel kind of like an outcast. Like I said, I love my family, but there are just certain things I can’t talk about with them. I can’t really express my views on religion or politics because I know I’ll be judged, or they’ll shake their heads at me as if I was just some child that doesn’t know any better. Do you know how that makes me feel? Telling people that it makes me feel like crap is a complete understatement. These people are the ones that are suppose to love me unconditionally, and when they look down on me like that because I don’t share their views makes me feel like I’m not loved.
I jokingly told my mom, back when I was in Oklahoma, that I should tell my family that I was gay just to see their reactions. I’m pretty sure a couple of them would disown me. I’m not gay, but I’m pretty sure it would prove a point.
Anyway, what do you do when your family are the bullies?
I HATE spring. Yes, it is beautiful, but the pollen out here is just horrible. I don’t like waking up to allergy attacks. I can only hope it rains soon. That should help my allergies a little bit.